Reason for writing this blog.
Sometimes it is difficult to create and display something you love. The vulnerability it takes to be seen. To translate the internal language you speak only to yourself, and make its words into something people can hold in their gaze. They hold it, and in their gaze lies the pieces of something fragile enough to break you with one wrong breath, one dispassionate stare, one dropped look. The anxious wanting makes you yearn for the on-lookers gaze to be struck with awe and admiration. The stakes are high. You risk your pride. Like a middle school child who confesses their love to another by writing them a song. Your intensions are pure. A bid for love. You show your cards. You lose your shield. Your heart is bare,
and a part of you can see the vulture’s circling in the periphery.
The fear sets in. The doubt takes hold.
I would spend so much of my time in fear. It felt like the only way to stay safe was to hide. So I hid. No art, no words, no songs. I hid myself so well I lost myself.
But the yearning never fully left my body. Moments of fear were interspersed, and at times overtaken by the yearning. A hunger filled me. One that could only be satiated by open acts of emotional defenselessness. I needed to create, and I needed it to be seen. In my desperation I began quietly seeking something to fix the fear. In my search, I found this quote
“The only way your gonna write a great story is to be willing to write a horrible story.” – Jack Grapes
My seeking was met with a challenge.
I now see that perfectionism plagues the people who are worried a false move will expose them, leaving their flaws on display like a hidden fracture in cracked porcelain pottery, but the real flaws are only seen in absence. In the spaces we create in our inaction. If the cracks stay hidden there is no space to repair.
That, in a sense, is the reason for this space. A space to take the risks that help bring light to the faults and failings that normally remain unseen. I am not writing under my name, but I have shown my cards. My heart is bare, and I am sitting here, waiting,
and the vultures circle closer.
*Jack Grapes quote: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba9jAVzADY0
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