photo by Antonel Burlibasa
Tank and the Bangas (a band that I love) have a song called “Roller-coaster” *. It’s a song about the bravery it takes to let oneself fall. I have been thinking about the Tiny Desk Concert rendition of the song and how, the first time I heard it, it brought me to tears. I, like Tank (the lead singer), have never let myself fall, and on Valentines Day, though this day never made me feel blue, I do feel a constant reminder of all the years that I have spent this day dedicated to love, in solitude. To counter my solitude, this year I took myself out to an indie theatre to watch a comfort movie. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”* has always held a place in my heart, and as a Valentine’s Day classic, I was able to find a showing. Watching it now I saw it differently. The way Joel Barish (the main character) describes the evolution of his relationship with Clementine (his love interest) caught me. He describes all of the things he thought she was. He idealized her, positioning her as a possible adventure or savior in his life, but she was just a person. Flawed and messy and impulsive. She could not save him, and in his hurt he began to see her as a “damaged woman”. His insults were all about her perceived promiscuity (though at no point is she explicitly promiscuous). It is as though he needed to make her less when he realized that she was not something that belonged only to him. When she was not something he could control.
It has made me reflect even more on all of the “Manosphereic Masculinity Media” talk that I have been hearing. Videos and clips of men shaming and belittling women and femmes for existing, whilst simultaneously insinuating that they exist solely to please them. Men making podcasts, claiming that all feminine displays of sexuality exist solely to get their attention, but, at the same time, should be demonized and unacceptable for any woman who wants the attention of a “high value man”. I have even seen clips of men saying they wanted a woman who will obey them and “do what (they) say” without questioning them. Hearing these things, at first left me defensive and made me want to return their belittling sentiments with disregard and disgust, as many people have. But as I mused on the subject I became more curious about how we got here. It created more questions in me than answers. The men in these clips and interview seem consumed with a value system of dominance and control, but is that what they think love is? In their version of “manosphereic love” they will achieve ownership, but what does their heart get? I have always wondered what men think love is, because in my life they always seem to be looking at love differently. I think of love as both a feeling and an action. To see someone and be seen by someone. Passion, desire, care, trust, respect. It is something that requires softness and understanding, and the ability to create and cultivate a space to look after each other. to create a 3rd thing, an “Usness”(for lack of a better word). The love, the 3rd thing that I am thinking of would be impossible to create in the “Manosphere”. The control would suffocate it. So where is love in the “Manosphere”?
On my feed the other day I saw a clip of bell hooks, a beloved black writer, scholar, and academic who passed away late last year, was discussing men and love. She said “…a lot of men felt that, one day they’ll grow up and they’ll be humanized by a woman or partner giving them love, rather than thinking about what will it mean, what will it take for me(them) to become a loving person.”* I feel this quote more and more as I look at the men in my life and see them struggling. People are complex and confusing and in many cases can be heartbreaking. A way to mitigate that heartbreak is to never lose control. But maintaining control is not the point of love. I believe love is about people, free, autonomous, self-determining individuals deciding to choose each other, over and over again. They want each other. when a person is controlled they are not making a choice. There is no self, there is no autonomy. Love is forced, and, therefore, is not love (at least the love I am talking about). I understand the fear of losing control. Without control, your heart must go unprotected. Researcher and author Brené Brown says “heartbreak is unavoidable unless we choose not to love at all”*. I worry that these men are choosing loveless control over open-hearted love, but I am even more concerned about the gloomier possibility. Do they even know that love is an option for them? Many of these men claim that women have a standard for love that is too high. They want too much, but, due to the current state of masculinity, maybe men don’t know that a soft love is an option for them.
Sue Johnson, EFT and Attachment therapist, did an interview where she discussed the process she goes through when people seek her couples counselling. Some of the men she has seen have trouble allowing their hearts to be seen. When they are finally able to feel safe and open up, Sue says they sometimes responded by saying, “I never knew that you could talk to somebody like this……”,and in one case, Sue says a man,”… wept, and he turned to the therapist and said ‘I’ve been alone all my life haven’t I?’.”*
To live thinking that life is loveless is its own kind of heartbreak. It’s a pain that I am familiar with, though I no longer feel that way. It is a difficult space to live in. It is not my responsibility to “fix” this, as these men do not respect me in the first place. Still it is something I think about. I will also probably never truly know what these men feel about love, but I hope they learn a safe and healthy way to find the things that they are truly looking for. What their hearts want. If they are looking for love I’d advise them to start with themselves. Tank and the Bangas and I recommend that they should start by riding a rollercoaster. Tank says that she believes that rollercoasters are for people who have never been in love. In the Tiny Desk rendition Tank says “I believe we all want to know how it feels to just, fall”, and I believe her.
*Tank and the bangas Tiny Desk (rollercoaster starts at 00.13.52) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKzobTCIRDw
* Trailer for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE-f1alkq9I
*bell hooks Interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTRDHb-8EF0
*Brené Brown podcast https://brenebrown.com/podcast/places-we-go-when-the-heart-is-open-from-atlas-of-the-heart/
*Sue Johnson interview https://tim.blog/2021/08/25/dr-sue-johnson/
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