Thoughts and Songs.

I am trying to date, but I’m having trouble trusting people, and when I try to find resources to know how to be in relationship safely, I am more likely to get risky tales and warning signs, rather than encouragement. People all over the world are expressing their tragic tales of deception and games, Gaslighting and fighting, suffocation and over posting, poor communication and ghosting, in an attempt to save naïve hearts from risking it all on a dud. The more scarce stories I hear the more they reinforced the strong and steady brick wall I have built around myself. Reaching for intimacy and bids for connection have often left me wanting, questioning my enoughness, and wondering if I long for too much. I have never been in love, but I have been heartbroken countlessly, and this accumulation of little betrayals have made me question how safe the world is. If I can be hurt so greatly without a fragile and intimate confession of love, then maybe I was not built for love. These thoughts surround me, but are changed more and more as I delve deeper into the realities of my life. Learning how little the people around me knew about love and feelings made me see that my longing was not misplaced, but now I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I have no experience being truly loved, and have built an armor equipped only for people whose love is cold and covered in thorns.

My situation is difficult but not untenable. It requires me to do two main things: trust others, and trust myself. I have to look for others who are not like the familiar cold and careless figures of companionship of my past, those who are not looking to criticize, or fix themselves, or change another, but those who are looking to   know me and treat me with care, just because they like me. The trust still must be earned, but it is earned in their ability to see me and meet me where I am.

Trusting myself will take the most work. When I am honest with myself the armor I’ve built was not just due to the coldness of others, but it was due to my belief that I was not enough for something warm. I thought that warmth was earned by being something I did not know how to be. I now realize that I simply need things that can not be found in the cold. I must ask for these things, trusting that I can hold myself in heartbreak (as I have done before) if there is nothing there, or trusting that I can let go of the covers and be held by something warm for once, like I deserve.

I wrote this song about opening up and watching the layers fall as you risk closeness. Hope you like it.  

exposed. (DEMO) by Byanothername